Feels Soooooo Good

It's 2:30am and my spirit stirs. I am moved by a movie. But moved in a way that seems unrelated to the movie. Yet my eyes grow a little larger as I look out through my mind at an abstract reality. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And passion is in the heart of every man. My passion is a fire beneath me that urges me to move and dance through a world that can only exist in my imagination. So must I indulge in the fantasy of my mere mind? Or shall I suffer that it does not exist in the senses? Beauty demands appreciation. It demands the full attention of our hearts. Life is beautiful as it were, but we are the living. What is created from the created is a different dimension of beauty. I sigh and stretch the fingers of my spirit to an emotion almost tangible in the imagery it provides. I often wonder if this freedom will be felt in Heaven. Passion, love and beauty. Create. I wish to create and know I will still never scrape even the surface of what is outside of me. So wind, take me away and let me down wherever you desire. Grass, kiss my back as I long for the stars above. Bring me a lover to pass the time in this beautiful place. It is all so very fleeting. The nuances of this journey are easily missed as they slip quickly without shame through our fingers. Squeeze tightly only to become familiar with the texture a moment before your hands shrivel. Let me drown in the rain of the heavens. Let me kiss soft lips as urgent as my own. Let my soul reside as boldly as my flesh in this world. If our eyes are the windows to our souls, then float above with me to the stars where souls can merge while our bodies do their best to accomplish the same. Green! How I love the color of the grass and trees. Lush and welcoming. A wondrous sight to breath in. If I could, I would pick wild flowers and tuck them in my messy curls. Then I would twirl in a skirt and run through tall grass singing. I would collapse beneath the kind shadow of an old tree and dip my bare feet into the busy stream beside me. I would laugh and sigh and then get up and run again. Oh how beautiful life can be. To be a child and yet to be a woman. Ah, that's better. There's more where that came from, but I don't wish to indulge it any further tonight. My body needs rest for an early morning. Writing. This is my outlet. And it feels soooooo good.

Eclipse

Sitting in the darkness the sun is burning bright. She clenches her fists as an alternative to dying. So hot inside. Pure lava heated rage without any direction safely to go. So cringe and smile, continue on. Maybe one day it will fade. Until then, let's think and try not to think. While we're thinking let's pass through impossible options. Things that take place only in dreams and fantasy. Where is the level of satisfaction anymore? Abandoned once more in ways that aren't tangible. So so dark. It would be comforting if she weren't so alone. The sun still rises and sets on her. No different than anyone else. Only she would hit a wall in an attempt to self destruct. Not even the brief pleasure of misfortune to hold onto. Get lost in fiction and find yourself in reality. So quickly days move and so fleeting the months become. How does she love a coward? Angry and confused. Not even a pinch of effort displaying her worth. So she sits in the dark while the sun rises. Greets another day and recites another play. If no one else will, she has to. Fight. Fight for....herself. How lonely.

Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!

Is happiness so fleeting? Why am I so angry? Life settles into a maddening routine. I have this relentless urge to fly free. I want to experience more of what this life has to offer. I'm not content with routine. I feel foreign in my own skin these days. My humanity is a ball and chain. I want to scream and break things. I am NOT domestic. I am wild and caged. How do I fulfill the beast inside and not compromise my family? Is it possible for me to settle? I just don't understand the meaning of life if it's only experienced in your living room and work and blah blah blah... I want to travel. I want to do something unexpected, unpredicted, unprecedented in my life. I am bored. I'm 27. I hope this doesn't get worse as I get older. I'm not a super mom or an awesome wife. I'm not even a contributor to our society. I feel like a wanderer chained to her seat. My heart overflows with love for my Son. I have a responsibility. It's not just me in my life. So how do I sate the crazed phoenix? I'm going to go to school to help me with a little self worth. I hate school, by the way. I'm going to try to become a Theatre or English Teacher. The teaching field sucks right now. More are being fired than hired. Do I really want to go after this, or is it just something to do? I would much rather study abroad in theatre. Perform. Not Teach. Perform! I want to act. Uuuugghhh! I burn. I want to buy a shack on the beach and spend my days writing novels and reading. Then in my down time, I'll take a plane out to Dublin for a few weeks and become familiar with the city and all its pubs. Maybe visit my Uncle in Wales. Then I'll go back to my shack and continue writing. Then I'll take a dip in the ocean in the middle of the night to make sure I'm still alive. If I'm lucky, I'll get stung by a jellyfish. I would moon-bathe. This would help with my inspiration. But this is only a dream. My life will never cater to my dreams. I have to be at home for my family and their dreams now. I grudgingly cleaned my apartment today. My biggest accomplishment and smallest contribution. Now what? Kai is napping. Lito is at work. And I sit here fuming at my insignificance. I would be a bird if I were an animal. That would be my spirit animal. I often thought I would be a wild feline. But that's just the anger in me. The real me would want to be in the air, soaring. Feeling alive and in control. Too bad I have such a strong conviction to be good. Screw it, I'll just stew.

Freewrite- Standoff

There he was. Where she never thought she'd see him again. She didn't have even one word to say. There was a language inside of her that simply wouldn't translate into words. So she stood silently watching him. Waiting to understand why. His silence was just as loud as hers. They settled into a comfortable tension. He was so beautiful in his anger. She could see the flare of frustration pass through his eyes. The emotion was quickly replaced with hunger and then fell back into remorse. She followed him through the emotions. She matched his anger, thrilled at his hunger and furiously accepted the remorse. There was nothing could be said or done without compromising more than either was quite willing to risk. Although she'd already made the decision to move if he moved. But he never moved. A heavy breath of defeat fell from her lungs. Eyes, take your last look. She turned her back on what she wanted more than anything and walked away.

Need

My need is so great if feels unquenchable

My hunger so deep I fear eternal starvation

I search within the world, within myself

I hunt with fervor night and day

It's a mindless seeking of desperation

My soul recognizes the deficit

My heart is filled with my world but empty of life

My blindness is detestable and disheartening

Because there You are

There You always are

You're only ever a sweet breath away

My total fulfillment, My long lost Love

My need amplified and overwhelming

My purpose for being, loving, singing

I realize now what needs be done

I will empty myself so I can be filled

Come into me and fulfill me. Satisfy me

Allow me your sacred pleasure

So I will never hunger or need again

Touch Me, Hold Me, Love Me

Decimate my delusion of hollow need

Welcome me into your glory

I will keep my eyes open if you stay within view

Love Me My Lord, Love Me

That is all I'll ever need

Take Me, My Lord!

Run your fingers through me My Lord and know me

Wrap me in your infinite wings of glory

Honor me with your nearness

Flatter me with your beauty

Take Me My Lord, Take Me I'm Yours!

Sculpt my features to your pleasure

Only ever for your pleasure

Heat the coldness in my heart

Cool my fever's misguided passion

Caress within me places untouched

Dishevel my plans Dis-armor my mind

You give me breath and you take it away

Intoxicate my reality with your affection

Take Me My Love, Take Me I'm Yours!

I'm reaching for you, are you reaching for me?

Locked in your arms is where I am free

With you on my mind, my heart overflows

I can hardly believe it was me that you chose

So Take Me My Lord, Take Me Now!

Never leave my side, Never break your vow

I need you within me, belonging to you

No other reality for me is true

Satisfy this hunger only you can sate

Purify me with fire, Destroy and Create

Release within me your Masterpiece

Then stand back and admire me, Love Me

Because I exist in my full potential for you

Does this please you, My Lord?

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