Please

We aren't supposed to be 'happy' but 'holy'. I don't know if I just don't believe this or I can't understand it because I'm so disgustingly selfish. Who am I to think that my happiness is of any significance in this life? Why do I think I'm deserving of anything? Who am I to think I should be the center of my life? What a twisted joke! But there's no denying a sickly human narcissism that controls way too much of my thought process. I need to focus on myself only to heal from past wounds. I just don't like what I see. I only want to heal myself so I'll stop hurting other people. I don't think I can completely escape this. I'm a flawed work in progress. I'm a deep soul wandering aimlessly for fulfillment and understanding that will never come. I want to let go and fly. I want to run so far I'll forget where I came from or where I was going. I want to forget forget forget. God. He's the only one. I'm broken. I'm empty. I'm starving. I'm rebellious. Fix me. Love me. Fill me. Tame me to be wild for You! Because I am wild inside. I am feral. I don't fit here. I am a star that's on the brink of explosion. Or implosion. Feels more like implosion. Touch the heart of my spirit and calm me. Guide me and comfort me. Be the Father I don't have. Be the lover that sees me. Be the friend who always understands me. Don't leave me all alone. Because I feel all alone. If you've allowed me to be broken, would you be so kind as to put the pieces back together. Just be near me. Allow me to feel you near me. I know I don't deserve it. But please? And please stuff a sock in the loud mouthed demon called 'Romance'. It's really messing people up.

"It's Not Over" by Secondhand Serenade

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

Ramble Ramble Ramble, Rumpelstiltskin.

I love you. You're always so close but never in reach. Time is moving so slowly, it seems. Trying to live on a level of denial. I'm free falling where I don't see the bottom. Am I my enemy or my ally? Courage to take risks is on deck. I love everyone. I don't want anyone to hurt. But am I responsible for all of this? I hope not. I have some secrets. I don't feel worthy on anyone. I hate my body. I'm afraid of failing math in college. I've not taken a relaxing bath since-. I don't seem to be able to finish anything I start. I don't like dingy colored socks. I want fresh white ones. Music partners with my emotional soul. I want to be someone else. I become more unstable the more I realize how short life is. I hate that I play things safe. It kills me when someone describes me as 'nice'. I don't think anyone has this Christianity thing right. I often consider going somewhere to be alone, but the fear of being alone stops me. I hate when the TV is on and no one is watching it. I'm afraid I missed a turn somewhere along the journey of my life. I don't really miss my cats. I'm so skilled at locking down my emotions that when I go to the gym, some of it leaks and I feel on the verge of an anxiety attack. My hips got wider after I had Malachi- I miss my tiny pants. Although my eyes are green, they aren't green enough. I miss acting. I miss you. I stay up and sleep in late. Sometimes I'd rather dream than live. Recently I've longed for the sunshine when I've always preferred the rain. When I was little, I had an invisible friend named Sara. She was hot. Always wore a long sparkling red gown (the real reason I bought one for my high school dance). I don't believe in destiny/fate/or soul mates. I've recently wondered about soul mates, though. I'm afraid of dying in a car crash, of cancer, or drowning. I prefer cancer so I have enough time to tell everyone how much they mean to me. Most of my nightmares involve a tsunami. If I changed my name, I think it would be Eliza. It takes me way to long to get into a swimming pool. I stand on the steps dreading the cold. I'd do almost anything to avoid hurting Malachi. I'm angry that I grew up poor and no adult put me into dance/voice/music lessons. I can't sing. Well, I can, but I sound like a boy going through puberty most of the time. I think I'm stupid. My good grades in high school were from hard work, not natural brains. I have excellent discernment, although I'm not always taken seriously. I'd rather be a foolish romantic that a boring realist. I want to travel the world, and feel I will. I have a weird feeling that 27 will be a good year for me. (Ironic thought in the midst of my worst depression). Sometimes I just don't care about consequences. My ability to empathize is a curse. Be real with me and I'll respect you. Beat around the bush and I'll be irritated. The song "If you could only see the way she loves me" is on. Brings back good memories. I sleep in only my underwear. Anything more is uncomfortable. I'm tempted to become a stripper. Funny thing is, it's not just for the money. I think it would be fun. I have a small crush on the Blue Wiggle. I think I would have made an amazing lawyer or judge. I like to debate things. I get really irrationally angry when I'm losing at a multi-player game. I think it's because I'm competitive mixed with I'm always feeling like a failure. I'm patient with my son and very little else. Writing, even if it's random like this, feels liberating. One step and one day at a time. My therapist has requested we focus on "Healing the Child Within" before focusing on marital things. I'm slowly becoming an individual. I have a job. I applied for college in the fall to become a Theatre teacher. That's right, I'm taking back part of my dream! I have a dance party with my son at least once a day. My fingernails grow too quickly for my taste. I relate most to Ariel in The Little Mermaid. I may be a pyromaniac. I'm a homebody. I wouldn't mind sitting at home and doing nothing for an extended period of time. In fact, that is more comforting to my spirit than constant movement and plans. "Be still and know that I am God." You got it.

3AM

It's 3AM and I'm still awake. Thinking. Always thinking. I wish I could just turn it off so I could sleep. Restless nights. Where will I be this time next year? Who will I be? Blah! Sleep, Tiff, sleep. Nothing to be solved overnight. Oh, look....a pretty picture.

You

When you look up just in time to see a falling star. When you sink into the jacuzzi from the cold outside. When your food arrives at a restaurant and you're starving. When it feels like a movie was all about you. When you wake from a dream you don't want to let go of. When you sit in a dark room with only fire to light your surroundings. When the snow blocks out all the sound for miles. When you lay in the sun and feel energized by it's warmth. When that text comes through from someone you don't talk to often but wish you did. When someone notices you've done something subtly different with yourself. When you're in the last few seconds of a difficult cardio set. When a book is so good it makes you cry. When the first drop of your favorite drink hits your tongue and runs smoothly down your throat. When you get to the point of "screw it" and jump. When you turn on the radio right as your favorite song starts. When you receive a genuine hug. When you feel empty until you remember that someone you love. When God leans down and kisses your lips during a passionate worship session. When you come out ahead of the person who's always on top. When you turn the shower up to an almost unbearable heat and just stand in it. When you apply chapstick to thirsty lips. When you scream into your bedroom pillow because there's nothing else to be done. When you take an unpredicted walk on a beautiful day. When you overcome a fear. When you tell someone sorry who deserves it. When you've created something artistic. When your son smiles back at you just because you're smiling at him. When you receive a hand written letter in the mail. When you feel sexy in a new shirt. When you get a difficult achievement on X-Box Live. When you're stuck in that second right before the drop on a roller coaster. When that shock runs through you when you catch the eye of someone attractive. When your previously snug pants become a little baggy. When your toenails are freshly painted and your legs are freshly shaved. When someone believes in you. When you hit every green light on your way to something good. When a subtle touch feels like magic. When you give the perfect gift to someone and they're overwhelmed by it. When you're home alone and can only hear the rain falling outside. When they finally say "I love you". When a kiss feels unending. When you can't stop thinking of them. When all you can do is write.

Freewrite- Stupid Sky

Heart beats wildly in her chest, burning with need. He's like the sun and she lives in darkness. Things move slowly around her and quickly within her. Can you die from a broken heart? Can you mend that same heart with stitches of hope? Living, just living. Feeling the duplicity grow stronger. Will this end? She scrapes her feet on the concrete and breathes in the crisp air of a lonely night. Where is she going? The rain starts to fall, and she stops. Should she seek shelter? Her hair will be hell to deal with if it gets wet. But what does she care? There's no one special to see tonight. Glancing around the abandoned parking lot, she spots a fountain. Her apathy barely acknowledges the direction her feet have shifted. Lowering herself to the chilled ledge of the fake waterfall she glances up. Although there is a steady curtain of rain falling, she sees an opening of star scattered night sky peeking down at her. She lets out a humorless laugh and wonders if she can stand in the spot below the break in the sky. Impossible. It would run from her. She's only damp at this point. All or nothing, right? She reaches her arms out in opposite directions and leans backward until her balance pulls her under the fountain's icy surface. The cold shocks her system and she opens her eyes. Okay. At least she knows she's still alive. Things have gone quiet as she stares through the wavy glass on top of her. She can still see the patch of sky with it's teasing stars. She scowls and sends her greeting with a middle finger. The need for oxygen is tickling her fear receptors. She ignores them. Why can't she be a mermaid? Never to surface again. Because she knows she is a fish and he is a prince. Oh, Ariel, how you toy with the dreams of young girls. Her body takes charge and pushes her back up to breath another painful breath. No one can see her. But she imagines if someone did, they might come running with a white coat to keep her warm. Why do we do the things we do? Does there have to be a reason, or are we allowed to simply experience. Now what, she thinks. She stands dripping wet and takes a few soggy steps in no particular direction. I guess she'll just go back home. Maybe she'll be lucky to fall asleep and back into his arms.

Broken, But Out of the Box

It hurts. I want to be numb, but am forced to feel. I must feel the pain to move toward healing. But it hurts. There's no medication beside denial. Broken. I'm broken. Sometimes I just don't understand. Sometimes I believe I was meant for self destruction. Like nothing was really supposed to work out in my life. I was created to toil and suffer. I'd almost rather suffer physically than emotionally. Fine then. Tear me apart. I may be broken but I am not done. I will take everything thrown at me and conquer it. I am fierce and I am strong. Even when I'm weak, the warrior inside of me roars in it's determination for perseverance. You will not own me. I'm not certain of tomorrow, or of anything for that matter. But I'm breathing. And that's all I need to keep moving. I will meet the challenges life extends. I may not be touched by God as Lito and others are so obviously. Fine. That's fine too. I don't need to be special. I don't need to be satisfied. I find glory in my flaws. It's okay to be human and to hurt. My wounds are simply battle scars. It means I'm tougher than you. I won't quit. I will smile in the face of crisis, knowing I'll come out the other side a richer soul. I don't need the silver platter offers. I don't need the stroke of an ego. I survive regardless. I survive in spite of the attacks. I don't care for the thoughts of others. If I'm crazy, I accept it. Because I know who I am and I like my crazy. It makes me more colorful, more passionate, more able to feel the depths of this world. To meditate on these things could bring you into the arms of insanity. Life is more than our petty brains can consume. For whatever reason, my brain tries. It tries past the point of frustration and confusion. It just keeps going. Routine is survival. But it may also be the death of life's originality. Take your meds and move toward a general normalcy. No. I like who I am. I will not be put in a box and told it's all there is. Life is more and I see that. So back off you close minded arrogant mannequins. Your boundaries and limits are not my own.