Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!

Is happiness so fleeting? Why am I so angry? Life settles into a maddening routine. I have this relentless urge to fly free. I want to experience more of what this life has to offer. I'm not content with routine. I feel foreign in my own skin these days. My humanity is a ball and chain. I want to scream and break things. I am NOT domestic. I am wild and caged. How do I fulfill the beast inside and not compromise my family? Is it possible for me to settle? I just don't understand the meaning of life if it's only experienced in your living room and work and blah blah blah... I want to travel. I want to do something unexpected, unpredicted, unprecedented in my life. I am bored. I'm 27. I hope this doesn't get worse as I get older. I'm not a super mom or an awesome wife. I'm not even a contributor to our society. I feel like a wanderer chained to her seat. My heart overflows with love for my Son. I have a responsibility. It's not just me in my life. So how do I sate the crazed phoenix? I'm going to go to school to help me with a little self worth. I hate school, by the way. I'm going to try to become a Theatre or English Teacher. The teaching field sucks right now. More are being fired than hired. Do I really want to go after this, or is it just something to do? I would much rather study abroad in theatre. Perform. Not Teach. Perform! I want to act. Uuuugghhh! I burn. I want to buy a shack on the beach and spend my days writing novels and reading. Then in my down time, I'll take a plane out to Dublin for a few weeks and become familiar with the city and all its pubs. Maybe visit my Uncle in Wales. Then I'll go back to my shack and continue writing. Then I'll take a dip in the ocean in the middle of the night to make sure I'm still alive. If I'm lucky, I'll get stung by a jellyfish. I would moon-bathe. This would help with my inspiration. But this is only a dream. My life will never cater to my dreams. I have to be at home for my family and their dreams now. I grudgingly cleaned my apartment today. My biggest accomplishment and smallest contribution. Now what? Kai is napping. Lito is at work. And I sit here fuming at my insignificance. I would be a bird if I were an animal. That would be my spirit animal. I often thought I would be a wild feline. But that's just the anger in me. The real me would want to be in the air, soaring. Feeling alive and in control. Too bad I have such a strong conviction to be good. Screw it, I'll just stew.