Freewrite- Standoff

There he was. Where she never thought she'd see him again. She didn't have even one word to say. There was a language inside of her that simply wouldn't translate into words. So she stood silently watching him. Waiting to understand why. His silence was just as loud as hers. They settled into a comfortable tension. He was so beautiful in his anger. She could see the flare of frustration pass through his eyes. The emotion was quickly replaced with hunger and then fell back into remorse. She followed him through the emotions. She matched his anger, thrilled at his hunger and furiously accepted the remorse. There was nothing could be said or done without compromising more than either was quite willing to risk. Although she'd already made the decision to move if he moved. But he never moved. A heavy breath of defeat fell from her lungs. Eyes, take your last look. She turned her back on what she wanted more than anything and walked away.

Need

My need is so great if feels unquenchable

My hunger so deep I fear eternal starvation

I search within the world, within myself

I hunt with fervor night and day

It's a mindless seeking of desperation

My soul recognizes the deficit

My heart is filled with my world but empty of life

My blindness is detestable and disheartening

Because there You are

There You always are

You're only ever a sweet breath away

My total fulfillment, My long lost Love

My need amplified and overwhelming

My purpose for being, loving, singing

I realize now what needs be done

I will empty myself so I can be filled

Come into me and fulfill me. Satisfy me

Allow me your sacred pleasure

So I will never hunger or need again

Touch Me, Hold Me, Love Me

Decimate my delusion of hollow need

Welcome me into your glory

I will keep my eyes open if you stay within view

Love Me My Lord, Love Me

That is all I'll ever need

Take Me, My Lord!

Run your fingers through me My Lord and know me

Wrap me in your infinite wings of glory

Honor me with your nearness

Flatter me with your beauty

Take Me My Lord, Take Me I'm Yours!

Sculpt my features to your pleasure

Only ever for your pleasure

Heat the coldness in my heart

Cool my fever's misguided passion

Caress within me places untouched

Dishevel my plans Dis-armor my mind

You give me breath and you take it away

Intoxicate my reality with your affection

Take Me My Love, Take Me I'm Yours!

I'm reaching for you, are you reaching for me?

Locked in your arms is where I am free

With you on my mind, my heart overflows

I can hardly believe it was me that you chose

So Take Me My Lord, Take Me Now!

Never leave my side, Never break your vow

I need you within me, belonging to you

No other reality for me is true

Satisfy this hunger only you can sate

Purify me with fire, Destroy and Create

Release within me your Masterpiece

Then stand back and admire me, Love Me

Because I exist in my full potential for you

Does this please you, My Lord?

Recycle Please

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“Save the Earth! It’s the only one with chocolate!”

“Don’t be trashy! Recycle!”

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Please

We aren't supposed to be 'happy' but 'holy'. I don't know if I just don't believe this or I can't understand it because I'm so disgustingly selfish. Who am I to think that my happiness is of any significance in this life? Why do I think I'm deserving of anything? Who am I to think I should be the center of my life? What a twisted joke! But there's no denying a sickly human narcissism that controls way too much of my thought process. I need to focus on myself only to heal from past wounds. I just don't like what I see. I only want to heal myself so I'll stop hurting other people. I don't think I can completely escape this. I'm a flawed work in progress. I'm a deep soul wandering aimlessly for fulfillment and understanding that will never come. I want to let go and fly. I want to run so far I'll forget where I came from or where I was going. I want to forget forget forget. God. He's the only one. I'm broken. I'm empty. I'm starving. I'm rebellious. Fix me. Love me. Fill me. Tame me to be wild for You! Because I am wild inside. I am feral. I don't fit here. I am a star that's on the brink of explosion. Or implosion. Feels more like implosion. Touch the heart of my spirit and calm me. Guide me and comfort me. Be the Father I don't have. Be the lover that sees me. Be the friend who always understands me. Don't leave me all alone. Because I feel all alone. If you've allowed me to be broken, would you be so kind as to put the pieces back together. Just be near me. Allow me to feel you near me. I know I don't deserve it. But please? And please stuff a sock in the loud mouthed demon called 'Romance'. It's really messing people up.

"It's Not Over" by Secondhand Serenade

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

Ramble Ramble Ramble, Rumpelstiltskin.

I love you. You're always so close but never in reach. Time is moving so slowly, it seems. Trying to live on a level of denial. I'm free falling where I don't see the bottom. Am I my enemy or my ally? Courage to take risks is on deck. I love everyone. I don't want anyone to hurt. But am I responsible for all of this? I hope not. I have some secrets. I don't feel worthy on anyone. I hate my body. I'm afraid of failing math in college. I've not taken a relaxing bath since-. I don't seem to be able to finish anything I start. I don't like dingy colored socks. I want fresh white ones. Music partners with my emotional soul. I want to be someone else. I become more unstable the more I realize how short life is. I hate that I play things safe. It kills me when someone describes me as 'nice'. I don't think anyone has this Christianity thing right. I often consider going somewhere to be alone, but the fear of being alone stops me. I hate when the TV is on and no one is watching it. I'm afraid I missed a turn somewhere along the journey of my life. I don't really miss my cats. I'm so skilled at locking down my emotions that when I go to the gym, some of it leaks and I feel on the verge of an anxiety attack. My hips got wider after I had Malachi- I miss my tiny pants. Although my eyes are green, they aren't green enough. I miss acting. I miss you. I stay up and sleep in late. Sometimes I'd rather dream than live. Recently I've longed for the sunshine when I've always preferred the rain. When I was little, I had an invisible friend named Sara. She was hot. Always wore a long sparkling red gown (the real reason I bought one for my high school dance). I don't believe in destiny/fate/or soul mates. I've recently wondered about soul mates, though. I'm afraid of dying in a car crash, of cancer, or drowning. I prefer cancer so I have enough time to tell everyone how much they mean to me. Most of my nightmares involve a tsunami. If I changed my name, I think it would be Eliza. It takes me way to long to get into a swimming pool. I stand on the steps dreading the cold. I'd do almost anything to avoid hurting Malachi. I'm angry that I grew up poor and no adult put me into dance/voice/music lessons. I can't sing. Well, I can, but I sound like a boy going through puberty most of the time. I think I'm stupid. My good grades in high school were from hard work, not natural brains. I have excellent discernment, although I'm not always taken seriously. I'd rather be a foolish romantic that a boring realist. I want to travel the world, and feel I will. I have a weird feeling that 27 will be a good year for me. (Ironic thought in the midst of my worst depression). Sometimes I just don't care about consequences. My ability to empathize is a curse. Be real with me and I'll respect you. Beat around the bush and I'll be irritated. The song "If you could only see the way she loves me" is on. Brings back good memories. I sleep in only my underwear. Anything more is uncomfortable. I'm tempted to become a stripper. Funny thing is, it's not just for the money. I think it would be fun. I have a small crush on the Blue Wiggle. I think I would have made an amazing lawyer or judge. I like to debate things. I get really irrationally angry when I'm losing at a multi-player game. I think it's because I'm competitive mixed with I'm always feeling like a failure. I'm patient with my son and very little else. Writing, even if it's random like this, feels liberating. One step and one day at a time. My therapist has requested we focus on "Healing the Child Within" before focusing on marital things. I'm slowly becoming an individual. I have a job. I applied for college in the fall to become a Theatre teacher. That's right, I'm taking back part of my dream! I have a dance party with my son at least once a day. My fingernails grow too quickly for my taste. I relate most to Ariel in The Little Mermaid. I may be a pyromaniac. I'm a homebody. I wouldn't mind sitting at home and doing nothing for an extended period of time. In fact, that is more comforting to my spirit than constant movement and plans. "Be still and know that I am God." You got it.