Feels Soooooo Good

It's 2:30am and my spirit stirs. I am moved by a movie. But moved in a way that seems unrelated to the movie. Yet my eyes grow a little larger as I look out through my mind at an abstract reality. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And passion is in the heart of every man. My passion is a fire beneath me that urges me to move and dance through a world that can only exist in my imagination. So must I indulge in the fantasy of my mere mind? Or shall I suffer that it does not exist in the senses? Beauty demands appreciation. It demands the full attention of our hearts. Life is beautiful as it were, but we are the living. What is created from the created is a different dimension of beauty. I sigh and stretch the fingers of my spirit to an emotion almost tangible in the imagery it provides. I often wonder if this freedom will be felt in Heaven. Passion, love and beauty. Create. I wish to create and know I will still never scrape even the surface of what is outside of me. So wind, take me away and let me down wherever you desire. Grass, kiss my back as I long for the stars above. Bring me a lover to pass the time in this beautiful place. It is all so very fleeting. The nuances of this journey are easily missed as they slip quickly without shame through our fingers. Squeeze tightly only to become familiar with the texture a moment before your hands shrivel. Let me drown in the rain of the heavens. Let me kiss soft lips as urgent as my own. Let my soul reside as boldly as my flesh in this world. If our eyes are the windows to our souls, then float above with me to the stars where souls can merge while our bodies do their best to accomplish the same. Green! How I love the color of the grass and trees. Lush and welcoming. A wondrous sight to breath in. If I could, I would pick wild flowers and tuck them in my messy curls. Then I would twirl in a skirt and run through tall grass singing. I would collapse beneath the kind shadow of an old tree and dip my bare feet into the busy stream beside me. I would laugh and sigh and then get up and run again. Oh how beautiful life can be. To be a child and yet to be a woman. Ah, that's better. There's more where that came from, but I don't wish to indulge it any further tonight. My body needs rest for an early morning. Writing. This is my outlet. And it feels soooooo good.

Eclipse

Sitting in the darkness the sun is burning bright. She clenches her fists as an alternative to dying. So hot inside. Pure lava heated rage without any direction safely to go. So cringe and smile, continue on. Maybe one day it will fade. Until then, let's think and try not to think. While we're thinking let's pass through impossible options. Things that take place only in dreams and fantasy. Where is the level of satisfaction anymore? Abandoned once more in ways that aren't tangible. So so dark. It would be comforting if she weren't so alone. The sun still rises and sets on her. No different than anyone else. Only she would hit a wall in an attempt to self destruct. Not even the brief pleasure of misfortune to hold onto. Get lost in fiction and find yourself in reality. So quickly days move and so fleeting the months become. How does she love a coward? Angry and confused. Not even a pinch of effort displaying her worth. So she sits in the dark while the sun rises. Greets another day and recites another play. If no one else will, she has to. Fight. Fight for....herself. How lonely.

Aaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!

Is happiness so fleeting? Why am I so angry? Life settles into a maddening routine. I have this relentless urge to fly free. I want to experience more of what this life has to offer. I'm not content with routine. I feel foreign in my own skin these days. My humanity is a ball and chain. I want to scream and break things. I am NOT domestic. I am wild and caged. How do I fulfill the beast inside and not compromise my family? Is it possible for me to settle? I just don't understand the meaning of life if it's only experienced in your living room and work and blah blah blah... I want to travel. I want to do something unexpected, unpredicted, unprecedented in my life. I am bored. I'm 27. I hope this doesn't get worse as I get older. I'm not a super mom or an awesome wife. I'm not even a contributor to our society. I feel like a wanderer chained to her seat. My heart overflows with love for my Son. I have a responsibility. It's not just me in my life. So how do I sate the crazed phoenix? I'm going to go to school to help me with a little self worth. I hate school, by the way. I'm going to try to become a Theatre or English Teacher. The teaching field sucks right now. More are being fired than hired. Do I really want to go after this, or is it just something to do? I would much rather study abroad in theatre. Perform. Not Teach. Perform! I want to act. Uuuugghhh! I burn. I want to buy a shack on the beach and spend my days writing novels and reading. Then in my down time, I'll take a plane out to Dublin for a few weeks and become familiar with the city and all its pubs. Maybe visit my Uncle in Wales. Then I'll go back to my shack and continue writing. Then I'll take a dip in the ocean in the middle of the night to make sure I'm still alive. If I'm lucky, I'll get stung by a jellyfish. I would moon-bathe. This would help with my inspiration. But this is only a dream. My life will never cater to my dreams. I have to be at home for my family and their dreams now. I grudgingly cleaned my apartment today. My biggest accomplishment and smallest contribution. Now what? Kai is napping. Lito is at work. And I sit here fuming at my insignificance. I would be a bird if I were an animal. That would be my spirit animal. I often thought I would be a wild feline. But that's just the anger in me. The real me would want to be in the air, soaring. Feeling alive and in control. Too bad I have such a strong conviction to be good. Screw it, I'll just stew.

Freewrite- Standoff

There he was. Where she never thought she'd see him again. She didn't have even one word to say. There was a language inside of her that simply wouldn't translate into words. So she stood silently watching him. Waiting to understand why. His silence was just as loud as hers. They settled into a comfortable tension. He was so beautiful in his anger. She could see the flare of frustration pass through his eyes. The emotion was quickly replaced with hunger and then fell back into remorse. She followed him through the emotions. She matched his anger, thrilled at his hunger and furiously accepted the remorse. There was nothing could be said or done without compromising more than either was quite willing to risk. Although she'd already made the decision to move if he moved. But he never moved. A heavy breath of defeat fell from her lungs. Eyes, take your last look. She turned her back on what she wanted more than anything and walked away.

Need

My need is so great if feels unquenchable

My hunger so deep I fear eternal starvation

I search within the world, within myself

I hunt with fervor night and day

It's a mindless seeking of desperation

My soul recognizes the deficit

My heart is filled with my world but empty of life

My blindness is detestable and disheartening

Because there You are

There You always are

You're only ever a sweet breath away

My total fulfillment, My long lost Love

My need amplified and overwhelming

My purpose for being, loving, singing

I realize now what needs be done

I will empty myself so I can be filled

Come into me and fulfill me. Satisfy me

Allow me your sacred pleasure

So I will never hunger or need again

Touch Me, Hold Me, Love Me

Decimate my delusion of hollow need

Welcome me into your glory

I will keep my eyes open if you stay within view

Love Me My Lord, Love Me

That is all I'll ever need

Take Me, My Lord!

Run your fingers through me My Lord and know me

Wrap me in your infinite wings of glory

Honor me with your nearness

Flatter me with your beauty

Take Me My Lord, Take Me I'm Yours!

Sculpt my features to your pleasure

Only ever for your pleasure

Heat the coldness in my heart

Cool my fever's misguided passion

Caress within me places untouched

Dishevel my plans Dis-armor my mind

You give me breath and you take it away

Intoxicate my reality with your affection

Take Me My Love, Take Me I'm Yours!

I'm reaching for you, are you reaching for me?

Locked in your arms is where I am free

With you on my mind, my heart overflows

I can hardly believe it was me that you chose

So Take Me My Lord, Take Me Now!

Never leave my side, Never break your vow

I need you within me, belonging to you

No other reality for me is true

Satisfy this hunger only you can sate

Purify me with fire, Destroy and Create

Release within me your Masterpiece

Then stand back and admire me, Love Me

Because I exist in my full potential for you

Does this please you, My Lord?

Recycle Please

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“Save the Earth! It’s the only one with chocolate!”

“Don’t be trashy! Recycle!”

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Please

We aren't supposed to be 'happy' but 'holy'. I don't know if I just don't believe this or I can't understand it because I'm so disgustingly selfish. Who am I to think that my happiness is of any significance in this life? Why do I think I'm deserving of anything? Who am I to think I should be the center of my life? What a twisted joke! But there's no denying a sickly human narcissism that controls way too much of my thought process. I need to focus on myself only to heal from past wounds. I just don't like what I see. I only want to heal myself so I'll stop hurting other people. I don't think I can completely escape this. I'm a flawed work in progress. I'm a deep soul wandering aimlessly for fulfillment and understanding that will never come. I want to let go and fly. I want to run so far I'll forget where I came from or where I was going. I want to forget forget forget. God. He's the only one. I'm broken. I'm empty. I'm starving. I'm rebellious. Fix me. Love me. Fill me. Tame me to be wild for You! Because I am wild inside. I am feral. I don't fit here. I am a star that's on the brink of explosion. Or implosion. Feels more like implosion. Touch the heart of my spirit and calm me. Guide me and comfort me. Be the Father I don't have. Be the lover that sees me. Be the friend who always understands me. Don't leave me all alone. Because I feel all alone. If you've allowed me to be broken, would you be so kind as to put the pieces back together. Just be near me. Allow me to feel you near me. I know I don't deserve it. But please? And please stuff a sock in the loud mouthed demon called 'Romance'. It's really messing people up.

"It's Not Over" by Secondhand Serenade

My tears run down like razorblades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you ' or is it me?
And all the words we never say
Come out and now we're all ashamed
And there's no sense in playing games
When you've done all you can do

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back
But it's over

I lose myself in all these fights
I lose my sense of wrong and right
I cry, I cry
It's shaking from the pain that's in my head
I just wanna crawl into my bed
And throw away the life I led
But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over?
We had the chance to make it
Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over
I wish that I could take it back

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart
Don't say this won't last forever
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart
Don't tell me that we will never be together
We could be, over and over
We could be, forever

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over
Unless you let it take you
It's not over, it's not over, it's not over
Unless you let it break you
It's not over

Ramble Ramble Ramble, Rumpelstiltskin.

I love you. You're always so close but never in reach. Time is moving so slowly, it seems. Trying to live on a level of denial. I'm free falling where I don't see the bottom. Am I my enemy or my ally? Courage to take risks is on deck. I love everyone. I don't want anyone to hurt. But am I responsible for all of this? I hope not. I have some secrets. I don't feel worthy on anyone. I hate my body. I'm afraid of failing math in college. I've not taken a relaxing bath since-. I don't seem to be able to finish anything I start. I don't like dingy colored socks. I want fresh white ones. Music partners with my emotional soul. I want to be someone else. I become more unstable the more I realize how short life is. I hate that I play things safe. It kills me when someone describes me as 'nice'. I don't think anyone has this Christianity thing right. I often consider going somewhere to be alone, but the fear of being alone stops me. I hate when the TV is on and no one is watching it. I'm afraid I missed a turn somewhere along the journey of my life. I don't really miss my cats. I'm so skilled at locking down my emotions that when I go to the gym, some of it leaks and I feel on the verge of an anxiety attack. My hips got wider after I had Malachi- I miss my tiny pants. Although my eyes are green, they aren't green enough. I miss acting. I miss you. I stay up and sleep in late. Sometimes I'd rather dream than live. Recently I've longed for the sunshine when I've always preferred the rain. When I was little, I had an invisible friend named Sara. She was hot. Always wore a long sparkling red gown (the real reason I bought one for my high school dance). I don't believe in destiny/fate/or soul mates. I've recently wondered about soul mates, though. I'm afraid of dying in a car crash, of cancer, or drowning. I prefer cancer so I have enough time to tell everyone how much they mean to me. Most of my nightmares involve a tsunami. If I changed my name, I think it would be Eliza. It takes me way to long to get into a swimming pool. I stand on the steps dreading the cold. I'd do almost anything to avoid hurting Malachi. I'm angry that I grew up poor and no adult put me into dance/voice/music lessons. I can't sing. Well, I can, but I sound like a boy going through puberty most of the time. I think I'm stupid. My good grades in high school were from hard work, not natural brains. I have excellent discernment, although I'm not always taken seriously. I'd rather be a foolish romantic that a boring realist. I want to travel the world, and feel I will. I have a weird feeling that 27 will be a good year for me. (Ironic thought in the midst of my worst depression). Sometimes I just don't care about consequences. My ability to empathize is a curse. Be real with me and I'll respect you. Beat around the bush and I'll be irritated. The song "If you could only see the way she loves me" is on. Brings back good memories. I sleep in only my underwear. Anything more is uncomfortable. I'm tempted to become a stripper. Funny thing is, it's not just for the money. I think it would be fun. I have a small crush on the Blue Wiggle. I think I would have made an amazing lawyer or judge. I like to debate things. I get really irrationally angry when I'm losing at a multi-player game. I think it's because I'm competitive mixed with I'm always feeling like a failure. I'm patient with my son and very little else. Writing, even if it's random like this, feels liberating. One step and one day at a time. My therapist has requested we focus on "Healing the Child Within" before focusing on marital things. I'm slowly becoming an individual. I have a job. I applied for college in the fall to become a Theatre teacher. That's right, I'm taking back part of my dream! I have a dance party with my son at least once a day. My fingernails grow too quickly for my taste. I relate most to Ariel in The Little Mermaid. I may be a pyromaniac. I'm a homebody. I wouldn't mind sitting at home and doing nothing for an extended period of time. In fact, that is more comforting to my spirit than constant movement and plans. "Be still and know that I am God." You got it.

3AM

It's 3AM and I'm still awake. Thinking. Always thinking. I wish I could just turn it off so I could sleep. Restless nights. Where will I be this time next year? Who will I be? Blah! Sleep, Tiff, sleep. Nothing to be solved overnight. Oh, look....a pretty picture.

You

When you look up just in time to see a falling star. When you sink into the jacuzzi from the cold outside. When your food arrives at a restaurant and you're starving. When it feels like a movie was all about you. When you wake from a dream you don't want to let go of. When you sit in a dark room with only fire to light your surroundings. When the snow blocks out all the sound for miles. When you lay in the sun and feel energized by it's warmth. When that text comes through from someone you don't talk to often but wish you did. When someone notices you've done something subtly different with yourself. When you're in the last few seconds of a difficult cardio set. When a book is so good it makes you cry. When the first drop of your favorite drink hits your tongue and runs smoothly down your throat. When you get to the point of "screw it" and jump. When you turn on the radio right as your favorite song starts. When you receive a genuine hug. When you feel empty until you remember that someone you love. When God leans down and kisses your lips during a passionate worship session. When you come out ahead of the person who's always on top. When you turn the shower up to an almost unbearable heat and just stand in it. When you apply chapstick to thirsty lips. When you scream into your bedroom pillow because there's nothing else to be done. When you take an unpredicted walk on a beautiful day. When you overcome a fear. When you tell someone sorry who deserves it. When you've created something artistic. When your son smiles back at you just because you're smiling at him. When you receive a hand written letter in the mail. When you feel sexy in a new shirt. When you get a difficult achievement on X-Box Live. When you're stuck in that second right before the drop on a roller coaster. When that shock runs through you when you catch the eye of someone attractive. When your previously snug pants become a little baggy. When your toenails are freshly painted and your legs are freshly shaved. When someone believes in you. When you hit every green light on your way to something good. When a subtle touch feels like magic. When you give the perfect gift to someone and they're overwhelmed by it. When you're home alone and can only hear the rain falling outside. When they finally say "I love you". When a kiss feels unending. When you can't stop thinking of them. When all you can do is write.

Freewrite- Stupid Sky

Heart beats wildly in her chest, burning with need. He's like the sun and she lives in darkness. Things move slowly around her and quickly within her. Can you die from a broken heart? Can you mend that same heart with stitches of hope? Living, just living. Feeling the duplicity grow stronger. Will this end? She scrapes her feet on the concrete and breathes in the crisp air of a lonely night. Where is she going? The rain starts to fall, and she stops. Should she seek shelter? Her hair will be hell to deal with if it gets wet. But what does she care? There's no one special to see tonight. Glancing around the abandoned parking lot, she spots a fountain. Her apathy barely acknowledges the direction her feet have shifted. Lowering herself to the chilled ledge of the fake waterfall she glances up. Although there is a steady curtain of rain falling, she sees an opening of star scattered night sky peeking down at her. She lets out a humorless laugh and wonders if she can stand in the spot below the break in the sky. Impossible. It would run from her. She's only damp at this point. All or nothing, right? She reaches her arms out in opposite directions and leans backward until her balance pulls her under the fountain's icy surface. The cold shocks her system and she opens her eyes. Okay. At least she knows she's still alive. Things have gone quiet as she stares through the wavy glass on top of her. She can still see the patch of sky with it's teasing stars. She scowls and sends her greeting with a middle finger. The need for oxygen is tickling her fear receptors. She ignores them. Why can't she be a mermaid? Never to surface again. Because she knows she is a fish and he is a prince. Oh, Ariel, how you toy with the dreams of young girls. Her body takes charge and pushes her back up to breath another painful breath. No one can see her. But she imagines if someone did, they might come running with a white coat to keep her warm. Why do we do the things we do? Does there have to be a reason, or are we allowed to simply experience. Now what, she thinks. She stands dripping wet and takes a few soggy steps in no particular direction. I guess she'll just go back home. Maybe she'll be lucky to fall asleep and back into his arms.

Broken, But Out of the Box

It hurts. I want to be numb, but am forced to feel. I must feel the pain to move toward healing. But it hurts. There's no medication beside denial. Broken. I'm broken. Sometimes I just don't understand. Sometimes I believe I was meant for self destruction. Like nothing was really supposed to work out in my life. I was created to toil and suffer. I'd almost rather suffer physically than emotionally. Fine then. Tear me apart. I may be broken but I am not done. I will take everything thrown at me and conquer it. I am fierce and I am strong. Even when I'm weak, the warrior inside of me roars in it's determination for perseverance. You will not own me. I'm not certain of tomorrow, or of anything for that matter. But I'm breathing. And that's all I need to keep moving. I will meet the challenges life extends. I may not be touched by God as Lito and others are so obviously. Fine. That's fine too. I don't need to be special. I don't need to be satisfied. I find glory in my flaws. It's okay to be human and to hurt. My wounds are simply battle scars. It means I'm tougher than you. I won't quit. I will smile in the face of crisis, knowing I'll come out the other side a richer soul. I don't need the silver platter offers. I don't need the stroke of an ego. I survive regardless. I survive in spite of the attacks. I don't care for the thoughts of others. If I'm crazy, I accept it. Because I know who I am and I like my crazy. It makes me more colorful, more passionate, more able to feel the depths of this world. To meditate on these things could bring you into the arms of insanity. Life is more than our petty brains can consume. For whatever reason, my brain tries. It tries past the point of frustration and confusion. It just keeps going. Routine is survival. But it may also be the death of life's originality. Take your meds and move toward a general normalcy. No. I like who I am. I will not be put in a box and told it's all there is. Life is more and I see that. So back off you close minded arrogant mannequins. Your boundaries and limits are not my own.

Middle of Nothing

Time feels vital and irrelevant. Push me toward resolution and I may fall. On the precipice of something I can't see the bottom of. I want to cry but I've built myself into a fortress of weakness. Don't think I've ever felt so lost in my own life. Misplaced. We're all broken. I need to heal but am unaware of my own wounds. Even as I heal, will that change anything? You can hold me, but I won't feel it. You can comfort me, but I don't want it. Without the pain we wouldn't know anything was wrong. One foot in front of the other hoping for clarity while I stumble in the dark. When I can't see the end, I'm scared to begin. So am I floating? Stuck in the middle of nothing. Wanting to please everyone but myself. I don't want anyone to hurt like I do. I don't want anyone to hurt. But to heal, the focus must be on me and no one else. But I don't feel like I'm standing on solid ground to aim for the horizon. Waiting. Just waiting. I don't even know what for. But if I move, so will my life. I don't want to move in the wrong direction. I'm a human who doesn't want to make mistakes. Ha! What a joke. I need to be carried through this, God. I don't feel like I even know how to crawl. I'm not okay. Help me move forward and not stand still. Time is valuable. I don't want to waste it.

Steady Now

A Twist in My Story by Secondhand Serenade

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

And I'm longing, for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired
My world just flip turned upside down
It turns around, say what's that sound
It's my heart beat, it's getting much louder
My heart beat, is stronger than ever
I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive

My whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
That's what you get
When you see your life in someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you
This world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

Silent Cacophony

Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay woah, stay woah

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Maybe by Sick Puppies

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
(Maybe I'm crazy)
Maybe I'm the only one
(Maybe I'm the only one)
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
(Maybe it's hopeless)
Maybe I should just give up
(Maybe I should just give up)
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Kissing You by Sade

Pride can stand a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars without you
My soul cries

Heaving heart is full of pain
Oooh, oooh, the aching
'Cause I'm kissing you, oooh
I'm kissing you, oooh

Touch me deep, pure and true
Give to me forever
'Cause I'm kissing you, oooh
I'm kissing you, oooh

Where are you now
Where are you now
'Cause I'm kissing you
I'm kissing you, oooh

Sober by Pink

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins

"Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head
Little voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Heartburn

The Only Exception by Paramore

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

Freewrite- Oblivion

She curled into herself in bed against the wall. Rain pattered down on the leaves outside her window. Numb. She was numb. She had gone nearly 27 years of her life with certainty of what life would be like. But now….now everything was different, and she wasn’t even sure why. One day she was Mrs. Smith. Proud mother of an adorable little boy and side-kick wife to a well known and loved man. So why would her perspective change now? In the middle of her happily ever after. Of course she knew she never really had happily ever after. She had security. She had convenience. To the outside world everything looked worthy of envy. High School Sweethearts growing together into adulthood. A healthy five years dating before a proposal. It was all just safe in retrospect. Safe. She’d been mindlessly riding her bike with training wheels. Never knowing the feel of the wind assaulting her face as she sped carelessly down a hill. Never risking a fall and a scrape. She wore her helmet and all the pads and stayed on the sidewalk. 27 years she did everything right. Safe. The word tasted bitter in her mind. What a waste. She felt repulsed by her lack of life initiation. When had she ever truly gone after something that she wanted. Something that would spark a fire in her? Never. She lived to compliment the lives of others until she slowly let go of herself and disappeared into suburban oblivion. A tear slipped from her cheek to the pillowcase. She had a perfect life, but she wasn’t fully there to enjoy it. Her heart was somewhere else. One life. The pain. A prisoner in her own skin. How could she have done this to herself? She felt like a coward. There’s still time. Time to take back who she really is. But the question is; will she stand up and move, or cower and continue to die inside. Is it selfish to be happy? Probably. Does she care what the majority think? Of course. Will it matter in the end? Only time will tell.

Such a Passionate Band to be called Muse

Muse
Undisclosed Desires lyrics

I know you suffered
But I don't want you to hide
It's cold and loveless
I won't let you be denied

Soothe me
I'll make you feel pure
Trust me
You can be sure

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers that you're wicked and divine
You may be a sinner
But your innocence is mine

Please me
Show me how it's done
Tease me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Please me
Show me how it's done
Trust me
You are the one

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart
I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask
I want to exorcise the demons from your past
I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

Hard Realization for Dreamers

Katy Perry Not Like The Movies lyrics

He put it on me, I put it on,
Like there was nothing wrong.
It didn't fit,
It wasn't right.
Wasn't just the size.
They say you know,
When you know.
I don't know.

I didn't feel
The fairytale feeling, no.
Am I a stupid girl
For even dreaming that I could.

If it's not like the movies,
Thats how it should be, yeah.
When he's the one,
I'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning
And that's just the beginning, yeah.

Snow white said when I was young,
"One day my prince will come."
So I wait for that date.
They say its hard to meet your match,
Find my better half.
So we make perfect shapes.
If stars don't align,

If it doesn't stop time,
If you cant see the sign,
Wait for it.
One hundred percent,
With every penny spent.
He'll be the one that,
Finishes your sentences.

If it's not like the movies,
Thats how it should be.
When he's the one,
He'll come undone,
And my world will stop spinning,
And thats just the beginning.

'Cause I know you're out there,
And your, your love came for me.
It's a crazy idea that you were made,
Perfectly for me you'll see.

Just like the movies.
That's how it will be.
Cinematic and dramatic with the perfect ending.
It's not like the movies,
But that's how it should be.
When he's the one,
You'll come undone,
And your world will stop spinning,
And it's just the beginning.

Romantic Moon

It's beautiful. The night. I think it's the romantic side of God's Earth. You can have romance anywhere, sure. But I like to imagine the perfect romantic interlude within the arms of night. My mind never struggles to create the ideal location. A large downy blanket covers a square of a healthy green field. There are a small number of candles scattered around the perimeter flickering to the whisper of evening. Those are more for atmosphere. Sweet Grapes, Cheese and Cheap Wine make themselves comfortable near the corner of the blanket in a cooler. Not more than twenty feet away is a willow tree dancing with the summer breeze. A small pond quivers with the life living inside it. There's a blurry painting of the moon and stars on its surface. But her masterpiece cannot compare to the true beauty of our Maiden moon and her adoring stars. She comes out for nights like these. She is fond of lovers. With this particular couple, she moves in for a closer look. She's been waiting a long time for this and doesn't want to miss a single sigh. The truck sits two minutes walking distance away. They had to park and walk the rest of the way. They'd already driven a good 45 minutes outside of town to get away from everyone and everything. Although their love for each other runs deeper than the roots of the willow, they're coming this night together for the first time. They've had very little physical contact, which makes the slightest touch of hands or graze of legs heat the blood beneath their skin. They've had half of the wine and a small portion of cheese and grapes. Laying back stretched out with arms beneath their heads they gaze at the expanse of diamonds in the sky. Talking easily, they drift from one topic to the next. It's effortless to laugh with each other. Neither knows if what they're laughing at is truly funny or if the presence of the other is simply so intoxicating, their bodies must respond. They take turns sneaking peeks at the other during appropriate moments in conversation. During a comfortable lull she boldly continues to soak in his face in the moonlight. He seems to sense she's watching and without taking his eyes off the sky he teasingly bites his bottom lip and releases it. She's no fool. She knew he did it on purpose. Either way, her focus is now on his full bottom lip, and the curiosity to nibble it herself is undeniable. The moon is pleased with this chemistry her environment has nurtured. She extends the reach of her enchanting glow to bathe the two in her romance. It crosses their minds simultaneously, to ease the tension that has been building all night and for a long time before tonight. He sits up on his elbow saying things with his eyes that words could never do justice to. His fingers slide adoringly over the smooth cool skin of her cheek making sure to study the curve of her lips. A shiver vibrates from her toes on up until she feels paralyzed with the pleasure of his loving touch. He begins to pull his fingers away. She leans in so as not to be abandoned to the cool night without his warmth. Not he or she knew who initiated, but their lips came together like it was the only thing left in the world for them to do. The sweet taste of wine combined with the warmth and pressure of his mouth took over her entire awareness. Perfect. This night they'd all been waiting for was here. And the moon had hours before the sun warmed the earth beneath them. Not that it would need any after tonight. Beautiful.

Rapture

Overcome with the unseen strength of the ever present emotion. It hurts to be human. I can tell the flesh isn't a permanent state of being. I can feel what is called my soul vibrating constantly beneath the skin. You could never see it, but I can always feel it. There has always been a fire within me. But I am that fire. And it roars and aches to stretch the fingers of its flame outside this pathetic piece of flesh. My spirit is strong and vicious. I have a hard time living in this skin. There's not enough room. Bigger. My soul is bigger than my body. Everyday I churn and grow and shrink. I moan in desperation hoping for satisfaction. Is this just me? Am I experiencing some form of insanity, or am I blessed with true sight of this reality? The body can be beautiful, but I do believe it is the eyes that reflect the spirit to others. I grow impatient with the superficial deafness of the majority. I see more than I can see with my eyes. But I show more than I can express with them as well. Words are junior varsity compared to body language. But then body language pales in comparison to the language of your soul. Life on earth is a mere play date. We've yet to grow up and step out of the playground to experience full adulthood. I believe death will usher us closer to our true state. I fear death. I question my faith. I have hope in Christ, but I have fear of nothingness. I suppose it would be better to stop existing, than to be delivered into and unknown eternity of fire. But to be delivered into an unknown eternity of bliss in my true skin with the true God....I am merely left hoping. Fate. Destiny. Hm. I believe in the choices we make. There is no ultimate right. But sometimes, my heart, or whatever part of me that has the intuition of spirit, can feel a draw. I feel pulled in certain directions. It's strong, sometimes overwhelming and utterly gripping of my human. I crave what I cannot have. I don't believe in conceived happiness. I don't believe in eventual satisfaction. I believe in my churning. I believe it is human and inhuman to suffer and toil. We are physical beings, but only as a joke. We are so much more than that, and some people can see this. Others are "plugged into the Matrix" if you will. Powerful what lives inside me. What is me. And it's drawn to like. Crazy, huh? But it makes sense to me, and I think I'll choose to live in this insanity. To relish in my pain and sit quietly and observe in peace. To be Human. To be living. To be overcome with emotion. To be, in rapture.