3AM

It's 3AM and I'm still awake. Thinking. Always thinking. I wish I could just turn it off so I could sleep. Restless nights. Where will I be this time next year? Who will I be? Blah! Sleep, Tiff, sleep. Nothing to be solved overnight. Oh, look....a pretty picture.

You

When you look up just in time to see a falling star. When you sink into the jacuzzi from the cold outside. When your food arrives at a restaurant and you're starving. When it feels like a movie was all about you. When you wake from a dream you don't want to let go of. When you sit in a dark room with only fire to light your surroundings. When the snow blocks out all the sound for miles. When you lay in the sun and feel energized by it's warmth. When that text comes through from someone you don't talk to often but wish you did. When someone notices you've done something subtly different with yourself. When you're in the last few seconds of a difficult cardio set. When a book is so good it makes you cry. When the first drop of your favorite drink hits your tongue and runs smoothly down your throat. When you get to the point of "screw it" and jump. When you turn on the radio right as your favorite song starts. When you receive a genuine hug. When you feel empty until you remember that someone you love. When God leans down and kisses your lips during a passionate worship session. When you come out ahead of the person who's always on top. When you turn the shower up to an almost unbearable heat and just stand in it. When you apply chapstick to thirsty lips. When you scream into your bedroom pillow because there's nothing else to be done. When you take an unpredicted walk on a beautiful day. When you overcome a fear. When you tell someone sorry who deserves it. When you've created something artistic. When your son smiles back at you just because you're smiling at him. When you receive a hand written letter in the mail. When you feel sexy in a new shirt. When you get a difficult achievement on X-Box Live. When you're stuck in that second right before the drop on a roller coaster. When that shock runs through you when you catch the eye of someone attractive. When your previously snug pants become a little baggy. When your toenails are freshly painted and your legs are freshly shaved. When someone believes in you. When you hit every green light on your way to something good. When a subtle touch feels like magic. When you give the perfect gift to someone and they're overwhelmed by it. When you're home alone and can only hear the rain falling outside. When they finally say "I love you". When a kiss feels unending. When you can't stop thinking of them. When all you can do is write.

Freewrite- Stupid Sky

Heart beats wildly in her chest, burning with need. He's like the sun and she lives in darkness. Things move slowly around her and quickly within her. Can you die from a broken heart? Can you mend that same heart with stitches of hope? Living, just living. Feeling the duplicity grow stronger. Will this end? She scrapes her feet on the concrete and breathes in the crisp air of a lonely night. Where is she going? The rain starts to fall, and she stops. Should she seek shelter? Her hair will be hell to deal with if it gets wet. But what does she care? There's no one special to see tonight. Glancing around the abandoned parking lot, she spots a fountain. Her apathy barely acknowledges the direction her feet have shifted. Lowering herself to the chilled ledge of the fake waterfall she glances up. Although there is a steady curtain of rain falling, she sees an opening of star scattered night sky peeking down at her. She lets out a humorless laugh and wonders if she can stand in the spot below the break in the sky. Impossible. It would run from her. She's only damp at this point. All or nothing, right? She reaches her arms out in opposite directions and leans backward until her balance pulls her under the fountain's icy surface. The cold shocks her system and she opens her eyes. Okay. At least she knows she's still alive. Things have gone quiet as she stares through the wavy glass on top of her. She can still see the patch of sky with it's teasing stars. She scowls and sends her greeting with a middle finger. The need for oxygen is tickling her fear receptors. She ignores them. Why can't she be a mermaid? Never to surface again. Because she knows she is a fish and he is a prince. Oh, Ariel, how you toy with the dreams of young girls. Her body takes charge and pushes her back up to breath another painful breath. No one can see her. But she imagines if someone did, they might come running with a white coat to keep her warm. Why do we do the things we do? Does there have to be a reason, or are we allowed to simply experience. Now what, she thinks. She stands dripping wet and takes a few soggy steps in no particular direction. I guess she'll just go back home. Maybe she'll be lucky to fall asleep and back into his arms.

Broken, But Out of the Box

It hurts. I want to be numb, but am forced to feel. I must feel the pain to move toward healing. But it hurts. There's no medication beside denial. Broken. I'm broken. Sometimes I just don't understand. Sometimes I believe I was meant for self destruction. Like nothing was really supposed to work out in my life. I was created to toil and suffer. I'd almost rather suffer physically than emotionally. Fine then. Tear me apart. I may be broken but I am not done. I will take everything thrown at me and conquer it. I am fierce and I am strong. Even when I'm weak, the warrior inside of me roars in it's determination for perseverance. You will not own me. I'm not certain of tomorrow, or of anything for that matter. But I'm breathing. And that's all I need to keep moving. I will meet the challenges life extends. I may not be touched by God as Lito and others are so obviously. Fine. That's fine too. I don't need to be special. I don't need to be satisfied. I find glory in my flaws. It's okay to be human and to hurt. My wounds are simply battle scars. It means I'm tougher than you. I won't quit. I will smile in the face of crisis, knowing I'll come out the other side a richer soul. I don't need the silver platter offers. I don't need the stroke of an ego. I survive regardless. I survive in spite of the attacks. I don't care for the thoughts of others. If I'm crazy, I accept it. Because I know who I am and I like my crazy. It makes me more colorful, more passionate, more able to feel the depths of this world. To meditate on these things could bring you into the arms of insanity. Life is more than our petty brains can consume. For whatever reason, my brain tries. It tries past the point of frustration and confusion. It just keeps going. Routine is survival. But it may also be the death of life's originality. Take your meds and move toward a general normalcy. No. I like who I am. I will not be put in a box and told it's all there is. Life is more and I see that. So back off you close minded arrogant mannequins. Your boundaries and limits are not my own.

Middle of Nothing

Time feels vital and irrelevant. Push me toward resolution and I may fall. On the precipice of something I can't see the bottom of. I want to cry but I've built myself into a fortress of weakness. Don't think I've ever felt so lost in my own life. Misplaced. We're all broken. I need to heal but am unaware of my own wounds. Even as I heal, will that change anything? You can hold me, but I won't feel it. You can comfort me, but I don't want it. Without the pain we wouldn't know anything was wrong. One foot in front of the other hoping for clarity while I stumble in the dark. When I can't see the end, I'm scared to begin. So am I floating? Stuck in the middle of nothing. Wanting to please everyone but myself. I don't want anyone to hurt like I do. I don't want anyone to hurt. But to heal, the focus must be on me and no one else. But I don't feel like I'm standing on solid ground to aim for the horizon. Waiting. Just waiting. I don't even know what for. But if I move, so will my life. I don't want to move in the wrong direction. I'm a human who doesn't want to make mistakes. Ha! What a joke. I need to be carried through this, God. I don't feel like I even know how to crawl. I'm not okay. Help me move forward and not stand still. Time is valuable. I don't want to waste it.

Steady Now

A Twist in My Story by Secondhand Serenade

Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence
So please just break the silence

The whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

And I'm longing, for words to describe how I'm feeling
I'm feeling inspired
My world just flip turned upside down
It turns around, say what's that sound
It's my heart beat, it's getting much louder
My heart beat, is stronger than ever
I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive

My whispers turn to shouting
The shouting turns to tears
Your tears turn into laughter
And it takes away our fears

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story
It's time I open up, and let your love right through me
That's what you get
When you see your life in someone else's eyes
That's what you get, that's what you get

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you
This world doesn't matter to me
I'll give up all I had just to breathe
The same air as you till the day that I die
I can't take my eyes off of you

Silent Cacophony

Your Guardian Angel by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

When I see your smile
Tears roll down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay woah, stay woah

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all

Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Maybe by Sick Puppies

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm crazy
(Maybe I'm crazy)
Maybe I'm the only one
(Maybe I'm the only one)
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
(Maybe it's hopeless)
Maybe I should just give up
(Maybe I should just give up)
What if I can't trust myself?
What if I just need some help?

Maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for?
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Kissing You by Sade

Pride can stand a thousand trials
The strong will never fall
But watching stars without you
My soul cries

Heaving heart is full of pain
Oooh, oooh, the aching
'Cause I'm kissing you, oooh
I'm kissing you, oooh

Touch me deep, pure and true
Give to me forever
'Cause I'm kissing you, oooh
I'm kissing you, oooh

Where are you now
Where are you now
'Cause I'm kissing you
I'm kissing you, oooh

Sober by Pink

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?