It's Come to This. Your Turn.

"Broken" by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Sometimes

"King of Anything" by Sara Bareilles

Keep drinking coffee, stare me down across the table
While I look outside
So many things I’d say if only I were able
But I just keep quiet and count the cars that pass by

You’ve got opinions, man
We’re all entitled to ‘em, but I never asked
So let me thank you for your time, and try not to waste anymore of mine
And get out of here fast

I hate to break it to you babe, but I’m not drowning
There’s no one here to save

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

You sound so innocent, all full of good intent
Swear you know best
But you expect me to jump up on board with you
And ride off into your delusional sunset

I’m not the one who’s lost with no direction
But you’ll never see
You’re so busy making maps with my name on them in all caps
You got the talking down, just not the listening

And who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

All my life I’ve tried to make everybody happy
While I just hurt and hide
Waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Who cares if you disagree?
You are not me
Who made you king of anything?
So you dare tell me who to be?
Who died and made you king of anything?

Let me hold your crown, babe.

Today

1. "Breaking My Heart" by Aqualung

Need to know

I don't want to know

Already Know

I've seen the signs

I watch you as you pull yourself away from me

Can't believe

I wanna believe

How can I believe

You're making me doubt

I thought I knew you

I don't even know myself

I'm losing faith

I'm losing all faith

You're breaking my heart

Breaking my heart

You're breaking my heart again

Don't ask me to start

Ask me to start

Don't ask me to start again

Start again

I wanna fight

Afraid to fight

Why don't I fight

And make you see

I hold my breath

And disappear inside myself

I'm losing strength

I'm losing all strength

You're breaking my heart

Breaking my heart

You're breaking my heart again

Don't ask me to start

Ask me to start

Don't ask me to start again

Start again

Oh you're breaking my heart again

Don't ask me to start

Ask me to start

Just don't ask me to start again

Start again

No

Oh no no

I'm losing you

I'm losing, oh, you

Songs I Like

1. "That's What You Get" by Paramore

"Pain, make your way to me. (to me)

And I'll always be just so inviting.

If I ever start to think straight,

This heart will start a riot in me,

Let's start...Start, hey!"

2. "Gifts and Curses" by Yellowcard

"I see your face with every punch I take,

and every bone I break, it's all for you.

And my worst pains are words I cannot say,

still I will always fight on for you."

3. "When the Stars Go Blue" by The Corrs + Bono

"Laughing with your pretty mouth

Laughing with your broken eyes

Laughing with your lover's tongue

In a lullaby

Where do you go when you're lonely

Where do you go when you're blue

Where do you go when you're lonely

I'll follow you

When the stars go blue"

4. "Dirty Laundry" by Bitter: Sweet

5. "Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't" by Brand New

Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.

We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth,
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down.
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
That works harder than my heart.
And its all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn't stop if I could.
Oh it hurts to be this good.

This is the grace that only we can bestow.
This is the price you pay for loss of control.
This is the break in the bend,
This is the closest of calls.
This is the reason your alone,
This is the rise and the fall.

Dead

Ten years ago, today, my Mom died. I was 16 and it sucked. Still does.

Chasing Satisfaction

ROMEO
O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

JULIET
What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?

ROMEO
The exchange of thy loves faithful vow for mine.

JULIET
I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:
And yet I would it were to give again.

ROMEO
Wouldst thou withdraw it? for what purpose, love?

JULIET
But to be frank, and give it thee again.
And yet I wish but for the thing I have.
My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.

[Nurse calls within.]

I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.

[Exit, above.]

ROMEO
O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard.
Being in night, all this is but a dream,
Too flattering-sweet to be substantial.

[Re-enter JULIET, above.]

JULIET
Three words, dear Romeo, and good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honourable,
Thy purpose marriage, send me word tomorrow,
By one that I'll procure to come to thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite;
And all my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay
And follow thee my lord throughout the world

Aren't we all just hopeless, longing romantics, such as Romeo? Pining after lofty beauty seemingly untouchable? We know we're not in the same league as our desired beauty, and yet we reach. We seek for something greater than ourselves. We are so….unsatisfied without her. Even though she turns her face to us and calls us worthy. She accepts us with fondness and affection. And she does it even before we realize it.

ROMEO

O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?

JULIET

What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?

ROMEO

The exchange of thy love’s faithful vow for mine.

JULIET

I gave thee mine before thou didst request it:

And yet I would it were to give again.

She’s already given her love and yet we don’t feel the satisfaction of it. Because right now, we are merely engaged. There’s something greater to come. She has committed herself to us. Then she says she would take it back just to give it again. The thought of losing her love grieves us. We only see the part about her taking it back. But we are to worry not. For she would only take it back to return it.

ROMEO

Wouldst thou withdraw it? And for what purpose, love?

JULIET
But to be frank, and give it thee again.

And yet I wish but for the thing I have.

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,

My love as deep; the more I give to thee,

The more I have, for both are infinite.

If you read on you will see that she wants our love to be honorable. She fears our rejection. She wants us to wait for her. All of this from an unattainable beauty. We cannot believe it! But if we honor her and honor ourselves seeking the final satisfaction of her love, she will lay down her fortunes at our feet and remain with us wherever we go.

JULIET

I hear some noise within; dear love, adieu!
Anon, good nurse! Sweet Montague, be true.
Stay but a little, I will come again.

[Exit, above.]

ROMEO

O blessed, blessed night! I am afeard.
Being in night, all this is but a dream,
Too flattering-sweet to be substantial.

[Re-enter JULIET, above.]

JULIET
Three words, dear Romeo, and good night indeed.
If that thy bent of love be honourable,
Thy purpose marriage, send me word tomorrow,
By one that I'll procure to come to thee,
Where and what time thou wilt perform the rite;
And all my fortunes at thy foot I'll lay
And follow thee my lord throughout the world.

A fantasy, right? Shakespeare was a romantic idealist in his writing, was he not? The underdog catches the attention of the beauty. Rarely does this happen in real life, right? Sure some of it is true. We long for beauty and spend our lives seeking satisfaction. We seek love. But does love seek us?

²⁴"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. ²⁵And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. ²⁶From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. ²⁷God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us.²⁸'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.' – Acts 17:24-27

If that’s not lofty love seeking us out, I don’t know what is. He needs nothing and no one. But he created everything and everyone to lure us to his love. I’ll take that any day over roses and chocolate. We are loved by an untouchable beauty. He has turned his face to us with fondness and affection. He offered his love to us before we could ask for it. If we return His love, he offers us everything in eternity with Him, where we will finally stop chasing for satisfaction. We will be fulfilled, for we will be without Him/Love no more. So stop seeking and be found. Satisfaction comes from the Lord.

“ ¹Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands. ²Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, ³because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. ⁴For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. ⁵Now it is God who has made us for this very purpose and has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

⁶Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. ⁷We live by faith, not by sight. ⁸We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. ⁹So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. ¹⁰For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.”- 2 Corinthians 5:1-10

“ ⁷Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.⁸Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.⁹This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son^a]">[a] into the world that we might live through him. ¹⁰This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for^b]">[b] our sins.” 1 John 4:7-10

Inspiration

I'm putting effort into blogging more often for many many reasons. One of those is to simply improve my writing discipline. I find that finding inspiration to do this often is difficult since I am particularly passionate about whichever topic I'm writing on. I can't be THAT passionate about everything I write. So either I seek a strong inspiration, or I just make it up as I go. You know, I heard a quote somewhere that said something to the effect of "You can't sit around and wait for motivation. Take action and the motivation will come later". I'm pretty sure I butchered that, but you get the idea. So here I am taking action. A lot of my inspiration comes from music. Right now, not so much. Okay, I have a topic. It shall be in my next post. ;)

Imma Tupid

So now that I'm trying to grow closer to my God, I've naturally started to question some things. I'm self-evaluating, you can say. In a verse I put in my last post it says to 'test everything' (1 Thessalonians 5:21). This is what I began to do. First on the list turned out to be my faith. Uh-oh. Truth is, I've been leaning on faith alone. I've been satisfied with this from the beginning of my relationship. After all, faith is praised in the Bible. There's nothing wrong with faith. In fact, I might add that I believe 'faith' is the hardest part to truly grasp in our form. We base reality on things we can touch, see, taste, smell and hear. Those things are real. Everything else is faith. Faith is what frustrates the intelligent. Christians have been accused of stupidity, using this 'invisible God' as a crutch to get through the troubles of this world. Because we don't have the courage to accept that in the end there is nothing. We go back into the earth. The end. Depressing as this idea is, this is the logical conclusion of death in this sensual world. I've nothing against this view, since it makes sense. But I don't believe that our bodies are all that exist. Perhaps I'm 'stupid' enough to believe that there is such thing as the human spirit or soul. Anyhow, my point is, I do believe in faith. There's more to this world than narcissism.

But I'm now testing, and I don't have the knowledge to back my faith. I've simply accepted God as truth. I do feel Him. He moves me. He's transformed me. I know in my heart that God is real. But so does every other religion. Yet we claim that our God is the true God. Why? Why our God?

I have decent knowledge of the Bible. (Not nearly enough to devote my life to it...but enough). That's not what this is about though. It's not about how well I know the Bible. For me there is a step that comes before even that. The validity of the Bible. Because let's be honest here. I could pick up this book at Barnes and Noble that I really want called "Vampires: From Dracula to Twilight: The Complete Guide to Vampire Mythology" By Charlotte Montague

and read it from cover to cover. I'm very passionate about Vampires. Well here is the COMPLETE Guide to them! Sure there are other books about vampires, but this one....this is it. So I've read it from cover to cover and know everything about them. Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they're real. And I want to be one! So I will devote my life to the teachings of the Complete Vampire Guide to achieve my goal.

You see what I'm getting at?

Now, obviously it's easier to dispute the validity of a vampire book. But how is it any different if we just accept the Bible as God's divine word? This is my take on it anyhow. So when I say I'm setting out to test my faith, I'm actually setting out to test the book that my entire spirituality is based on.

I still consider myself a Christian, so for those fellow Christians who are reading this running around shouting, "The Pastor's Wife is a HEATHEN!" calm down. Make no mistake, I am doing this because I am madly in love with my God and want to rally for him to those who are grounded in the reality of this world. If you love your God, as I do, then I might suggest you join me in this search. Take responsibility as a Christian and offer substance to our hungry world. We can continue to love and serve others in the name of our God. This is of the utmost importance and WILL be noticed. So don't freak out thinking you have no credibility if you can't explain the accounts in the bible as having historical accuracy. Love trumps education any day. Ask any person on their death bed which they preferred during life. But we are also commissioned by our savior to "...go and make disciples of all nations..."(Matthew 28:19). Our own nation doubts because they won't even except the legitimacy of the Bible. Well I'm going to make disciples out of them. Faith is enough for me. But if it's not enough for them, I believe God will provide the evidence needed to reveal himself through their intelligence. In the end I do believe my research will prove that science and God will support each other. I have to.

This is for me as well though. I have my doubts. And it's okay to doubt. Doubt will motivate us to test our faith. And if we seek him, how much more satisfying will our worship be? Let's take responsibility for our faith in this world. Christians are not stupid. But don't be guilty of complacent sleeping through your 'faith'. Know what you believe and why. This is not only reasonable, but commanded by God.

"¹⁵But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect,..." (1 Peter 3:15)

Image from artist http://elsita.typepad.com/

Christ the Wisdom and Power of God

¹⁸For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.¹⁹For it is written:
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

²⁰Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? ²¹For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.²²Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, ²³but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles,²⁴but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. ²⁵For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

²⁶Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.²⁷But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹so that no one may boast before him. ³⁰It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. ³¹Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

YIKES! But it's in there. Not sure how I feel about this. This is the kind of thing that would frustrate an intelligent non-God believing (non-Christian) person. Perhaps it's faith that takes precedence over knowledge in the eyes of God? I just don't know. And thus my journey begins. Anyone have any suggestions on books I could read to help my search?

OKAY I HAVE TO SAY:

While I was writing this blog I have my headphones in my ears listening to Pandora Radio. The station I was listening to was my Teddy Geiger Station. Not a huge fan of Christian music. It's nothing against the lyrics, it just often doesn't have the sound I like to listen to. ANYHOW, point is, the music stopped (as it does when you don't interact for a long period of time). I clicked over on it's tab and it asked if I was still there. So I pressed the 'I'm Listening' button and the song that came on happened to be a Christian song. :) Wait, it gets better...It's a song by a band called Tenth Avenue North. The song is called "By Your Side" Here are the lyrics. Go listen to the song if you have a moment.

By Your Side Lyrics

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

(Chorus 2x)

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

(Chorus 2x)

Listen Here: http://s0.ilike.com/play#Tenth+Avenue+North:By+Your+Side:42464442:s26373233.8166486.7358669.0.1.66%2Cstd_89f3313f91bb06f9e05688a5710ea536

I love when God talks to me. I really am in love with Him. For those of you who are prone to prayer, please pray for me to stay grounded and focused on what matters during my search. For God, my faith and action in love in His name, are enough. I don't need the 'education' in full. I trust him even if it comes off as insane and illogical to others. There it is. My God is bigger than any wisdom I could collect. He reveals Himself to me everyday in ways this world cannot contain in it's intellectual capacity. He's bigger than we can ever comprehend. But I will still seek for Him in every way that I can. I know he loves all of His children, whether they acknowledge him or not. So I will use intellect to bring my bothers and sisters to Him if that is how they can be saved.

I Have M.E.

Recently, in the past couple of weeks to be exact, a horrifying realization has taken up residence in forefront of my mind and has begun reeking havoc on my life. This realization was that I have a life threatening disease. It's very contagious and almost everyone has it. It has infested most of America. It destroys lives. It is a part of me and I've had it my whole life. You could say I was born into it. It's called the ME Disease. Or at least, that's what I call it. I'm sick. You see, I gave up my life for the one who gave up his to rescue me. He's the cure. But I'm refusing treatment. I told him that I graciously accepted his sacrifice of love so that I could be free. I told him that. As it turns out, I've been walking around blindly clutching onto my condemned spirit. He offered, I accepted, but the exchange is compromised every day. I feed my flesh to it's hearts content while starving my spirit of nutrients. Can anyone else see how backwards America is? We've fallen deep into the rabbit hole and accepted a reality that isn't realistic. Me, me, me & me. This is what life's about. ME ME ME! GIMMIE MORE! Disgusting.

I'm a Christian. But that's like a Fast Food Worker calling herself a Neurosurgeon. I feed people crap. Sure it satisfies their hunger for a moment. But it also clogs their arteries and adds more layers of fat to their bodies. If I were doing that and calling myself a Neurosurgeon, claiming to change the lives and minds and overall health of people- they'd think I was insane! No question, right? Then why is it we can call ourselves Christians and only feast on the crap of this world and make a 1% effort in fulfilling our said cause? Do we feed the hungry and cloth the poor? Do we go and make disciples of all nations? Do we take up our cross and follow Jesus? Do we love our God with all our heart, soul and mind? Do we focus on the fruits of the spirit. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-Control? Can those things exist if we're focused on gratifying ourselves? And these things can't happen within the period of a week on a mission trip or church camp or retreat. It needs to be a lifestyle. This touch and go Christianity is damaging our world.

We're sick! We love our things and money and image. To hell with the Spirit. Literally. This is what's being compromised. Eternity! How have we gotten so far away from the truth? When God says to give up everything and follow him, has anyone noticed how we talk ourselves into believing there are stipulations to this? Has anyone noticed these 'stipulations' don't add up with God's word or mission? Stipulations like, 'Well, God doesn't actually want me to give my television and game system and food and clothes and car and furniture.' Tell me, what is it you live for? What do you spend your time doing? What do you go to work to earn money for? What do you long and aspire for? If 'more' was any part of your answer.... We are hoarders! America the great! We are so lost. I'm rooted to myself. This is not good. I want to be healed. I want to live in the spirit and not in the flesh. I know the answer. I know it because God says it again and again. I don't want to run anymore. I don't want to hide behind temporary meaningless things. Let go. Let go of yourself and your life. We need to focus on other people. Be done with the 'American Dream'. It has deceived us. Live your life in love and service to others. Show them what true love looks like. Not if you scratch my back kind of service either. Let go of the things you can't take with you to the grave. Work on what matters. Family and Friends and Strangers and Enemies. We could change the world if we would just let go of ourselves.

I'm going in for treatment. I want to be rid of this cancer. And yes, I might loose parts of me I thought were important and necessary. But when your life is on the line, you start to really see the difference between want and need. We don't need much. If you call yourself a Christian, then rise up. Awaken from this cultural fog and move closer to the one who gave EVERYTHING for our souls. We weren't meant for trivialities. We were made extraordinary to do the extraordinary. So turn off the TV and Computer. Please take an honest look at your existence through God's eyes only. The only eyes that matter. I pray that God reveals himself to you and to me. Take action! Do it! Don't just imagine it. We are capable of change. We were made to move mountains at the side of God. America is not our home. We live by a different set of rules. I'm sick. I don't want to do this alone. But I don't know a single person, not one, who has done this. Everyone is going to look at me like I'm nuts. Or a radical. I don't know if I can do it. I care about my image. I care about what you think of me. I fear my harsh bluntness will be judged harshly and it will effect your view of me. I'm human. I direct this as much to myself as any Christian who feels what I feel. Something is off in our culture. My spirit wants to rebel and I've hushed it too often. I'm hungry though. I'm hungry through my complacency and laziness. And I know that's a good sign because my God is chasing after me still.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled"-Matthew 5:6

"What we feel, think, and do this moment influences both our present and the future in ways we may never know. Begin. Start right where you are. Consider your possibilities and find inspiration...to add more meaning and zest to your life." -Alexandra Stoddard

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. Do not put out the Spirit's fire; do not treat prophecies with contempt. Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil. May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-24

Can I be Tiffany and a Mother?

I would think what I'm experiencing is postpartum depression. Except my son is almost 1 year old. It's all hitting me now. I should be so happy and full of joy. More complete as my family grows. But I find myself frustrated that I've lost myself. See, I'm a selfish person. At least that's the conclusion I've come to. I'm madly in love with my son. But it seems he's all I exist for anymore. He runs my schedule day in and day out. I enjoy, no, survive, off of peace and quite. See I don't even know what I'm saying. I find myself feeling empty and hungry when I'm full of chaos and have no appetite. I would never trade what I have for anything. But at the same time I want to press the reset button. It feels like I missed something along the way. Could it be my unrealistic dreams of acting? Maybe. Could it be my beautiful body that I gave up to create life? Perhaps. Could it be that I only ever really dated Lito since I was 16. Could be. But I truly cannot pin point anything. I just sit and feel empty these days. I care more than I can explain, but my body screams that I don't care. Sleep is a joke. But I've not had a good nights rest since I've been 16. I've fallen so deeply into this hole that some days I can't even see the light. Blah! What's happening to me. I didn't feel anywhere near this in Joplin. Pressure. So much pressure. I'm am Mom. No wonder kids don't call their parents by their first names. Because they are only Mom now. My spirit will not settle for this. It burns for freedom. I refuse to be caged within this title. Just a sucky time for me. I'll get over it. I'm a survivor, not a quitter. Plus, I've got God on my side. If only I could find the strength to seek Him.

Oh the Places You'll Go and the Vampires You'll See!

So, I have a thing for Vampires. Sure it may be dark and strange to some people. Maybe even stereotypical with the recent Twilight craze. (I enjoy the books regardless). I think it's otherworldly and romantic, in a forbidden dangerous kind of way. Anyhow, I simply wanted to share one of my fav Vampire Interests. Click the link below for a summary.

Vampire Knight- Manga

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vampire_Knight

Freewrite- The End of the Beginning and the Beginning of the End

The wind tossed the trees into an orchestra of whispers all around her. The light weight of her skirt weaved in and around her slender pale legs. She faced the oncoming torrent of air, inviting it in. Taking a deep pull of breath, she tasted the delicious fragrances this spring night offered. The intoxicating aroma of gardenias mixed with an unknown wild flower warmed and cooled her simultaneously. The grass beneath her toes was pliable and welcoming. A lock of the deepest brunette hair slid across her bare arm raising goosebumps along her forearms. She lifted her gaze from the never-ending field of moon bathed nature to the immense blanket of diamonds above her. A breath caught in her throat. She'd never seen such a beautiful evening sky. The moon was larger than she'd ever seen it. It serenaded the stars with a cool radiance. It seemed a higher power decorated the enchantment above to tempt her into staying. Into staying alive. Could she change her mind or had she already gone too far? In her peripheral something glimmered. She glanced toward the sparkle to see a quaint lake reflecting the moonlight from beneath a willow tree. The wind picked up from a different direction sweeping the long leaves of the willow over the lake. It appeared to be an invitation. She looked down at her ceremonial gown. No one said it had to be dry. She smirked and glanced toward the forest where she knew he'd be watching. Then she took off in a sprint toward the water. With a spring she cascaded through the air before breaking through the surface with a tiny splash. A cold stream of water consumed her as the world went silent. She stayed like that a few moments, resting in the peace the bottom of this shallow lake offered. Longing for her sky again she moved her limbs, propelling her to the surface once more. She gasped for air and took in the sky. A handful of clouds were sneaking in from the east, but they still hadn't hidden the brilliance of her night. Floating on her back she hummed softly to herself. Why hadn't she ever done this before? She felt so...free. Would she really be giving it up, or could she come back to this spot and experience what she was right now? How would her senses change? Her head bumped into the side of a fallen tree that protruded from the lake. She waded around it until she could get a good footing and climbed up then turned, pleased to see it was wide enough to recline on. The clouds had moved in faster than she'd realized, but she could still see her moon. A light drizzle of rain began to make it's way to earth. She let her eyes relax and closed her lids. She could still see the glow of the moon behind them. She allowed her arm to fall to her side beyond the bed of the trunk until her fingertips skimmed the cool lake water. She continued humming to herself until the rain fell harder creating it's own song on the surface of the lake. Although she was relaxed she never felt more alive. She offered herself to the night, to feed off of her energy....her life force as she fed off of the night. It was then that she felt his presence. She didn't have to look. She knew he would be standing on the shore just north of her, waiting patiently. It was time. She indulged in one last minute holding her arms out to accept the gentle pelts of rain. A euphoric laughter ran past her lips as she opened her eyes. She looked to the moon and thanked the higher power for this last night of his natural beauty. But she had made up her mind. She twisted to see him standing where she knew he would be. His expression was that of apt fascination and....hunger. She slipped back into the water and swept toward the shore emerging only seconds later. She stood before him dripping. She swayed slightly and her bottom lip trembled from standing in the breeze. She reached out her long fingers to caress his face. "Mathias" she whispered. He grabbed her wrist and twisted her around so that her back was against him. He held her firm around the waist with one arm while he swept her hair back around with the other. She felt his warm lips sweep across her shoulder and up the curve of her neck. Her breathing came faster as her heart accelerated with adrenaline. He hadn't glamored her as he had before. No. He wanted her to feel everything this time. One final time. She leaned into him even as her mind screamed for her to run. His fingers trailed over her pulse and she could swear she felt him shiver behind her. Then his lips were back teasing and exploring. The sharp prick of his tooth on her earlobe took her by surprise and she gasped. She more felt than heard his laughter before he began sucking gently on the skin he'd broken. She went even softer against him as a warmth began to consume her body. A low moan escaped her lips. His grip tightened on her. "Anya" he whispered fiercely. She knew what it meant. He couldn't hold off much longer. He'd already tasted her blood. He was asking permission. She was only capable of the slightest nod before his fangs sank deep into her neck. She cried out and squirmed but he held her in place. But before she could panic a fire of rapture took over her body. She wanted more than anything to let go and fall into the oblivion of pleasure he offered, but she clung to the edge of humanity. This was it. She was thinking her last thoughts as a human as he drained the life from her. She'd thought she'd come to terms with her choice, and she had. But dying, even to be reborn, was scary. She fought him with everything she had even knowing it was futile. His hand ran softly across her face in a gesture of comfort. Even amidst the chaos of her body and mind, she knew that must have taken great effort on his part. She knew that when they were feeding, they became like animals, giving over to their instincts. But he was much older and more experienced than many of his kind. Her heart warmed to him knowing that the end result would be his love for eternity. She let go of the fight and fell into his gift. When she woke next, it would be for the last time, and that...she could live with.

Paradise for Tiffany

Freewrite- Rejected

His words tore through her. She was finally getting the honesty she'd waited so long to hear, realizing too late, she didn't really want it at all. She tore her gaze away from his piercing cruel eyes and scanned the cool night surrounding them. A breeze whipped long strands of hair into her face. She could smell the rain coming. Heady and light all at the same time. She loved that scent and hoped this moment wouldn't ruin it. The steady thrum of music reached them from the party they'd just left on the beach.

"Look, Nessa, we're friends. That's all we've ever been and all we'll ever be. If you can't handle that, then maybe we shouldn't hang out." He tried to say it gently but she could hear the annoyance laced through every word. For weeks now, they'd fallen into this 'friends with benefits' thing. She really enjoyed kissing him, but was starting to feel...wrong. It was weird to only kiss someone knowing that's all it was. It felt very empty and she craved more substance. Romance and passion, and feeling. She understood now that she had just been a means to an end. She'd been used, and by a friend, no less.

"Maybe we shouldn't then." She tucked her fingers into the pockets of her mini-skirt.

"Come on, you don't mean that." He nudged her. She lifted her gaze and met his straight on.

"Oh, Ness. Don't be like that. You know how much I care about you."

"Look, Jayden, I'm not satisfied with what we have. If you can't offer me more, then I'm going to look for someone who can."

He searched her face gaging how serious she was before nodding. He leaned in and kissed her forehead, then turned back toward the beach. Then he was gone. Holding her breath she braced herself for the crushing pain of something ending to wash over her. But there was nothing. That's not true. There was something there. Something building inside her. It felt like...freedom. The self loathing she'd become familiar with simply evaporated. She understood now. She'd sold herself short to Jayden. She'd cheapened herself by offering her sexuality when her heart had been denied. She was worth more than that, and she knew it now.

I Gave Sketching a Go

The Book was Phenomenal by the way

Why Eve?

She ate the fruit. But why?'

More. She wanted more. She was unsatisfied and felt excluded from....more. We are just glorious vacuums aren't we? Gorging ourselves on forbidden fruit, realizing too late that it is fruitless.

He made a woman to be a companion to a man. Sure it's more complex. As the new Ke$ha song says, "Blah, Blah, blah..."

Woman. It was the woman that the serpent targeted. Was man more satisfied with who he was and what he had? What told the serpent that the woman was the one to seduce? She's the one. With her beauty and heart of many shades. With her compassion and fierce loyalty. With her thoughts powered by Duracell. How did he bring her to betray herself?

"The way she feels inside...those thoughts I can't deny"

The catalyst for life became the vessel for destruction.

WWAD?

What would he have done in her place? What advantage did the predator see in her? Does he still use women to do the dirty work? Do we do it better?

Weave me a lie that looks appetizing and I just might bite.

Emotional intelligence. HA! What a paradox! The woman is the leader of emotional chaos. We analyze, then over-analyze. When we're done with that we double check and speculate and paint an abstract mess of reality. What would a simple view of the world and it's beautiful people look like? No ulterior motives, no malevolent possibilities. No hunger for to feel beautiful to the powerful.

I recently asked my husband, "Which sex would cause the most damage if they had the ability to read minds?"

The way I imagine it, knowing myself, the men would never even know the women had the ability. She would keep the power strapped to her thigh next to her Derringer. You wouldn't know it was there until it was too late. She'd get everything she wanted.

A man, I think, would be a little more blunt. I imagine he would climb onto a platform of blinding masculinity and beat his chest with it. Women would know they were screwed.

Those are the two extremes, of course. There would be both sexes doing both, but as a whole, I think that's what it would look like.

We are capable of twirling hair around one finger while plotting to have you wrapped around the other. Can a man do that? Yes. I've seen it. I've seen things go over women's heads as well.

So why the woman? What hole do we have that they don't. (ha ha- get your mind out of the gutter.) What hunger was it offering to satisfy in a woman?

No offense to men... (that's a lie) but where the hell was Adam when she was being mentally and emotionally molested behind a bush? If you don't tell a man in black and white what is needed or wanted, *fwoof* over their head. No subtlety in that realm. I can see Adam sitting on the shore of a sparkling lake, contemplating how he was ruler of this realm. Wondering when he got to have sex again with the hot woman God gave him.

Meanwhile, Evey tip toed off.

How can you be depraved in God's garden? And would someone please tell me how the serpent got in there? Without the serpent, would she have gotten around to eating the fruit anyway? And while we're on the topic, what's with putting the tree in the garden in the first place. I've always told Lito, "It's like God put razor blades in the playpen."

So there. Have fun eating my confusion. I do it everyday.

PS: Painting is a Van Gogh. 'Mulberry Tree' painted in Oct. 1889

Kai's First Big Boy Bath!

Malachi wasn't feeling good, and we read that a warm bath can help. Not only did it help but he had so much fun! As soon as he figured out how to splash, he was having a blast.

Breathing Treatments

Because of his pneumonia, Malachi must have breathing treatments every 6 hours for 3 months. He doesn't seem to mind it if you keep him entertained.