Ramble Ramble Ramble, Rumpelstiltskin.

I love you. You're always so close but never in reach. Time is moving so slowly, it seems. Trying to live on a level of denial. I'm free falling where I don't see the bottom. Am I my enemy or my ally? Courage to take risks is on deck. I love everyone. I don't want anyone to hurt. But am I responsible for all of this? I hope not. I have some secrets. I don't feel worthy on anyone. I hate my body. I'm afraid of failing math in college. I've not taken a relaxing bath since-. I don't seem to be able to finish anything I start. I don't like dingy colored socks. I want fresh white ones. Music partners with my emotional soul. I want to be someone else. I become more unstable the more I realize how short life is. I hate that I play things safe. It kills me when someone describes me as 'nice'. I don't think anyone has this Christianity thing right. I often consider going somewhere to be alone, but the fear of being alone stops me. I hate when the TV is on and no one is watching it. I'm afraid I missed a turn somewhere along the journey of my life. I don't really miss my cats. I'm so skilled at locking down my emotions that when I go to the gym, some of it leaks and I feel on the verge of an anxiety attack. My hips got wider after I had Malachi- I miss my tiny pants. Although my eyes are green, they aren't green enough. I miss acting. I miss you. I stay up and sleep in late. Sometimes I'd rather dream than live. Recently I've longed for the sunshine when I've always preferred the rain. When I was little, I had an invisible friend named Sara. She was hot. Always wore a long sparkling red gown (the real reason I bought one for my high school dance). I don't believe in destiny/fate/or soul mates. I've recently wondered about soul mates, though. I'm afraid of dying in a car crash, of cancer, or drowning. I prefer cancer so I have enough time to tell everyone how much they mean to me. Most of my nightmares involve a tsunami. If I changed my name, I think it would be Eliza. It takes me way to long to get into a swimming pool. I stand on the steps dreading the cold. I'd do almost anything to avoid hurting Malachi. I'm angry that I grew up poor and no adult put me into dance/voice/music lessons. I can't sing. Well, I can, but I sound like a boy going through puberty most of the time. I think I'm stupid. My good grades in high school were from hard work, not natural brains. I have excellent discernment, although I'm not always taken seriously. I'd rather be a foolish romantic that a boring realist. I want to travel the world, and feel I will. I have a weird feeling that 27 will be a good year for me. (Ironic thought in the midst of my worst depression). Sometimes I just don't care about consequences. My ability to empathize is a curse. Be real with me and I'll respect you. Beat around the bush and I'll be irritated. The song "If you could only see the way she loves me" is on. Brings back good memories. I sleep in only my underwear. Anything more is uncomfortable. I'm tempted to become a stripper. Funny thing is, it's not just for the money. I think it would be fun. I have a small crush on the Blue Wiggle. I think I would have made an amazing lawyer or judge. I like to debate things. I get really irrationally angry when I'm losing at a multi-player game. I think it's because I'm competitive mixed with I'm always feeling like a failure. I'm patient with my son and very little else. Writing, even if it's random like this, feels liberating. One step and one day at a time. My therapist has requested we focus on "Healing the Child Within" before focusing on marital things. I'm slowly becoming an individual. I have a job. I applied for college in the fall to become a Theatre teacher. That's right, I'm taking back part of my dream! I have a dance party with my son at least once a day. My fingernails grow too quickly for my taste. I relate most to Ariel in The Little Mermaid. I may be a pyromaniac. I'm a homebody. I wouldn't mind sitting at home and doing nothing for an extended period of time. In fact, that is more comforting to my spirit than constant movement and plans. "Be still and know that I am God." You got it.